"...it's a buzz kill on dates when you feel compelled to ask the guy sitting across from you, clutching his craft beer, "So do you think you might want kids someday?"
"In my case, egg freezing gave me the confidence to go back on Match.com at nearly 40 and proudly tell men "I can have kids whenever I want. It feels so nice not to have to rush relationships." Eight months ago, I met a wonderful 45-year-old single dad who wants more kids and wanted to hear all about my frozen eggs. Four hours after meeting at a New York wine bar, we were kissing in Central Park in a warm September foggy mist. I don't know if it is me or the eggs, but I am more relaxed in this relationship than I have ever been in my life."
These quotes came out of a recent Wall Street Journal article by Sarah Richards on the topic of freezing her eggs before committing to a man and having a baby. I thougth it was a fairly provocative essay for the Journal and imagine it got a lot of letters.
When I was a single guy, sitting through those many dates and beers, hardly anyone ever asked me if I might want to have kids some day. Maybe they did consider it a "buzz-kill." Or maybe they simply assumed I was a typical male of the species and (if they thought me worthy) the answer was probably yes. Even when I met the right woman, we only discussed it in the most general terms, ("two would be fine, I guess") before marriage. Then after a couple of anniversaries and in our mid-30's, it seemed like the right time. Today we have a couple of great kids. I think for many or most people it happens this way.
So there was something a little cold and mathematical in that essay by Sarah Richards. She spent a lot of money to delay having a baby from 38 to her mid 40's and relieving the anxiety over it all. Her choice, I guess and that's fine. A lot of us spend money keeping brown in our hair. Thank goodness for a free society with laboratories seeking profit.
How about some more math: If you are close to 50 when the baby is born, are you ready, willing and able to be "the worst parent ever" when they hit those teenage years? The image of a fifty-something playing catch with his small child is fine and cool but how is it going to be handling teenagers a decade later? I'm in the middle of it now. Those young adults are tough and heartbreaking and wonderful. They are not listening and they truly are. They are as challenging or more than anything I have ever done.
Is well past middle age the best time to be a parent when the going is arguably the toughest? Will you be healthy enough for it? Will you be ready for immersion in the life of a teenager when you are officially a senior citizen? Will you (and this question should apply to every-age parent) not give up? I know the answer for many people will be yes.
Talk about that over those glasses of wine. Or at least after you make out. Just some time before the eggs thaw.
